This is Tylers page. My littlest Angel who
watches over us. I only have memories of my
pregnancy with him to put here. But they are
still my memories & all I have left of him.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant.
What a happy day that was. We had lost our daughter at the 4th month of pregnancy not 6 months before this so we were not expecting it so soon.

But none the less we were happy.

This pregnancy was going alot better than the last
one. I wasn't as sick & didn't need to be on home
nursing care & IV's. This pregnancy seemed normal to me so I had a sense all was good.

My doctors appointments were showing all was well & that he was going to be a big baby as the months progressed.

He had a strong heartbeat & was growing as expected & I was even keeping my weight & sugar at a good level.

Then my boyfriends parents moved to Tennesse.

Within 6 weeks of them moving to Tennessee, my boyfriend had decided it was the place to be. So
like the Beverly Hillbillies, we loaded up the truck & moved to Tennessee. I was 4 1/2 months
pregnant at this time & moving was worrying me.

When we got all settled into our new place, the
sickness started. It seemed like I was throwing up all the time & I hadn't found a doctor here yet.

So I got really worried again. Then we moved
again into a bigger place about a month later & I
stopped getting sick. So I thought maybe it was
claustrophia cuz the trailer we were living in was so small even the dogs paced constantly. They even calmed down when we got into the bigger trailor.

Then I finally found a doctor here & got checked
out & all was fine. Things were going so well this
time I didn't worry anymore. Tyler was a very active baby while in the womb. He would kick so hard sometimes that I thought he'd kick his way out. Forget sleeping at nite, that was like a lost cause most of the time.

Of course the bigger I got the more Wes teased me about it. But we were both so excited & the time was drawing near on his delivery date. It was a scheduled c-section like my others. Wes would make fun & say ok it's time for you to come out now & show daddy what your made of. Or don't you think mommy has been carrying you long enough now.

Silly things he would say or do. Like his getting ready for the baby meant downloading as many games he could find on the net into the computor.
Or he would come home with a little story book & say look what I found for Ty. We can read this to him. All the joy on his face & mine taken away in an instant.

The sickness started again a couple weeks before my due date. I was so ill & throwing up again & then woke up with my throat so swollen I was having trouble breathing.

We went to the hospitail & they said I had a virus but that the baby was fine. They gave me anti-biotics & sent me home.

I went for my normal doctors appt. that week & still they said all was fine. But I just knew there was something wrong & couldn't explain it.
A mothers intuition I guess. I was on my weekly
appt. with the doctor now so a week had passed again & it was time to be checked.

The nite before my appointment I had a dream. Tyler was in it & telling me good-bye. He didn't
want to go, but had something important that he had to do. That dream was still like a fog in my
memory when I got up that morning for my appt. I just didn't feel right & knew already he was gone.

I didn't want to believe what my dream had shown me & was in denial when I arrived at the doctors.
I went into the room to await my doctor to check me & Tyler. When he came in he went right for the heart monitor as always. He started running it over my tummy with a confused look on his face.

That look when he realizied Ty was gone I'll never forget. He tried to console me & say maybe he was turned wrong & I couldn't pick up the beat. So he rushed me in for an ultra sound. Only to show what we both already knew, Tylers heart had stopped.

I was in shock & still couldn't believe what I was hearing. I kept thinking this is a nitemare & I'll wake up in a minute & all will be fine. But it wasn't. Then I had to call my boyfriend & tell him so he could come & get me. We couldn't reach him so we called my son & his girlfriends mom got the message to him to come to the doctors office.

When I finally reached Wes on the phone he knew by my voice on the phone before I even told him.
That Tyler was gone. All I heard next was the phone dropping to the ground & that terrible disconnected noise. He was crushed beyond words.

Me, I'm still in this little room by myself waiting for my family to come. To come & rescue me
from this nitemare that seems to be never ending. I couldn't pace in the room any longer so I went outside to have a ciggerette with tears non stop streaming down my face. I paced in front of the building for what seemed like forever before my son got there.

I took him back inside to the room & told him. I thought he was going to faint. He just clung to me & cried. Screaming why, why did you take my lil brother. He was so depressed from this I found out later that he tried to kill himself over this loss a few days later. But Tyler came to him & told him that this won't due mom any good to lose both her boys. That she needs your strength & love now.

See how he watches over us:) Then Wes finally got to the doctors office. He was all shaken & very pale. I'd never seen him like this. He of course was the strong silent man, there for his woman.
But I could see the hurt in his eyes. The pain that broke his heart. I lost a part of him that day.

Well the doctor wanted to do the c-section that afternoon. But I told him to please wait & do it the next morning. I had family out of state that I needed to contact & let know. So we scheduled for Friday morning to be in at 5:30am. This was to
be our last nite with our baby so to speak.

Tyler was born in the quietest surgery room ever.
No one said a word except to ask me if I was ok during the surgery. You see I didn't want to be put to sleep for this. I already knew he was gone so they let me stay awake & didn't put me out after the surgery either.

After they had taken me back to my room the doctor came in to tell me what he had found.
Unfortunately he could not find any reason for Tylers heart stopping. He said he was perfect in
everyway. Tyler weighed in at 7lbs 2ozs., was 22in
long, had brown hair all over his little peanut head. He had his daddys facial features, big hands & enormous feet. Now I know why he was kicking so hard, he had no foot room:)

The nurses brought him in for me to see & hold for awhile. Even though the doctor told me he was perfect, I still had to check for myself to make sure all was there & in all the correct places. That's just the way we moms are. He was so beautiful & looked just like an angel would. Then they took him back to the nursery & I never got to see him again.

It was all happening so fast after that one little visit with him. Next thing I know is the furneral home people are there & they are ready to take my baby with them. Oh the things that were running through my mind. I could hear what they were saying but it was like a fog. We will take good care of your baby & make sure everything is ready for the service. BLAH, BLAH, BLAHH was all I really heard.

While my brain was screaming they are going to put your baby in a box & that would be it.

It was all to much & I had only been out of surgery for a few hours. Now all I kept thinking was, I have to make these arrangements, I gotts get out of here & go home I have to much to do. It didn't even feel like I had given birth or had surgery. I guess because there was no baby there for me to hold or feed. I was up walking around by that afternoon & the next morning the doctor sent me home. He said I was doing to well for a person in my condition to keep any longer.

Well needless to say the rest of that week was one big blur to me. I don't even really remember making the arrangements, but I did. Tyler was buried less than a week after losing him. I remember the day of the furneral. My son & his girlfriend were there with me & Wes was on his way. They said we could go in the room & sit down now since they had everything prepared as I had asked.

We came early to put our special things in with Tyler while he would be in his resting place. I brought him his little bear outfit we had bought for him & a cotton cap for his head so his ears would never get cold. We put his bottle in so he would never be hungry, his bear so he would never be lonely, flowers so he could enjoy the fragrance & colors, his blanket for when he was cold & our letters so he would know he was loved always.

They put all in with him & sealed it shut for the services. When I walked into the room & seen his little casket there, so small, I almost fainted & my son Nathan caught me. It was all I could do to stand. I never thought I'd be burying one of my children before I was gone. My heart broke all over again. I still to this day cry for my child & scream at the world that he should be here with me. But he's not, so there will always be a little part of me that went with him on his journey & the missing part of his daddy too.

To be remembered in the heart, is to be truely
loved. To be remembered in your soul, is to never be forgotten. I will love you forever & beyond my little baby Tyler, until we are together again, my arms will always long for you, my heart will always call to you, I send sweet kisses on the wind knowing that you will catch every one of them.

I love you! Love Mommy xoxoxoxo